The other night, I was made aware pretty early on that this insanely beautiful person sitting to my left (well two seats to my left, my poor friend was sitting between us battling with the energies we were exchanging across him) was curious about me. I say that because that’s all the evidence I have since all she did was keep looking at me and I kept looking at her. I really held back from approaching her because I have a knee jerk reaction to try to throw myself onto beautiful people immediately and give it my best shot and hope we end up married or something.
Anyways, so I let it go and then during the talkback session, she keeps looking at me and brushes past me when she walks by, which I’m not sure means anything in a tight space like a theatre but it happened and it’s on my mind. Eventually, after the show, I approach her but left it at the smallest talk you could imagine and went on with my life (obviously not because I wrote this that night).
So that all happened but what I want to explore is the reaction that I got, and expect to get, from people who I tell this to (and from myself as I recount other ways I could’ve approached the situation).
The reaction is: obviously she was hitting on you and just tired of you not taking the hint and approaching her so she just let it go.
The reaction is: why didn’t you give her your number?
The reaction is: well, she was staring at you, obviously she wanted you to talk to her.
The reaction is: NIGGA.
The reaction is: I don’t know what you’re afraid of.
The reaction is: you need to get over your ex.
The reaction is: well, you could have just said this, or that, or this, or that.
My thinking and framing is: I am conditioned to chase people that I’m attracted to in every moment of every day. I am actively resisting this ingrained urge because it doesn’t feel right.
It doesn’t feel right to expect that I should throw myself onto this woman just because she kept looking at me.
It doesn’t feel right that I feel bad for not having hit on her.
It doesn’t feel right that I feel guilty about not giving my number to her.
It doesn’t feel right that I keep mulling over what I could’ve, should’ve, would do next time, as opposed to just enjoying the fact that something about me caught the attention of some unreasonably beautiful person tonight.
It would be great if I could find a way to just enjoy these interactions and not regret them.
It would be great if I could remember how good it feels to be in someone’s gaze.
It would be great to bask in being attractive – for whatever reason – without having to turn that attraction into anything more than simply attraction.
It would be great to just smile and say something nice and move on, for real though – not like move on and deal with the weight of not having attempted to make anything more of it.