I have taken part in the abuse and neglect of women and their emotions. I know that I am a product of a system that coaches, conditions, and sometimes required me to do that well. I don't ever intend on it but when it happens what good are my intentions?
If I am true, which I aim to be, I will take responsibility for my shortcomings. If I care about eradicating patriarchy, I've got to actively rid it in myself. That process must be in place while making speeches and workshops and loving.
People ask me what NewMasculinities is and I tell them I don't know and they get frustrated as if I'm supposed to know. NewMasculinities is an effort to better understand masculinities. NewMasculinities is the process without an intended solution. Without an end.
What a fucking joke I'd be - to do what the men in my family have done to the women in my family and to the women who were not in my family while committed to my family. I'd be a mockery of an existence -- if even existing at that point.
To be too harsh on myself is the least I could do - for I've been harsh in my analysis of the system that taught me to love with such toxicity. To allow myself to be open to interrogation and to never do again rather than saying sorry and repeating and saying sorry and repeating and saying sorry. Excuses can't be used twice with integrity and so at some point I had to reflect and reconsider my resistance to feedback -- or gaslighting. It really hurts knowing that I've participated in that, and much more, with those who I've been most intimate with. That's real but to fall victim to me is just as real and so woe is me and never do again. Simple?
Thank goodness for language. Thank goodness for lovers who know better than me. And love that is better than me. And examples that I can only dream of because they don't exist yet. Someday I will.